Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Jupiter
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
oppen heimer style lol
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.