United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
welcome back
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
i can’t wait that long
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room