Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
i’m sure it’s fine
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here