Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
yes… yes…
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.