[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
And bowling should be called pinball
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.