You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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Cha-ching is my safe word
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!