(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious