I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
jesus christ confetti not now
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.