[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.