We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Bros before Ohioes
@funTweeters
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
PLOT TWIST:
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?