The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to