My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Pandas 🐼🖤
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband