My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel