Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah