Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
live long and prosper!
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.