[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
be careful
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]