cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet