4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
That time Alicia messaged me
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?