alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.