ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
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please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”