mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head