My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
back to work
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.