The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.