Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.