When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Its true…
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine