[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.