Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
this is 10/10 content no notes
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”