This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.