probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You Might Also Like
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit