My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
We all have our pet causes.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks