Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I triple waxed for this?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss