My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.