My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
you have three unread messages
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.