Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.