I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“OMGJK” -atheists
TWEET CALL
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.