Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
You Might Also Like
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me irl
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.