If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
another case of gang violins
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.