I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets