What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1