if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.