I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Running your mouth is not cardio.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that