Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
As the Lord intended
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”