Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.