Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*