Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
absolute chaos
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that