Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.