[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
You Might Also Like
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.