feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
What
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.