Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me