I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
back to work
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.